What If?
by blowflylaura
Summary: Quinn deals with the reality that she may never walk again and confides in her girlfriend, Rachel. Minor spoilers for 3x15


Disclaimer: These characters belong to the creators of Glee, I own nothing. If I did, Faberry would most definitely be a couple.

Authors Note: Just a small one shot which shows how Quinn deals with the reality that she may never walk again and confides in her girlfriend, Rachel. Faberry are an established couple. There are minor spoilers for mistakes are mine.

* * *

I watch as Rachel pours us both a glass of lemonade whilst talking animatedly about her time at Six Flags for senior ditch day. I love how excited she seems to be over something as simple as a theme park. As I listen to her talk, I can't help but feel saddened that I never experienced senior ditch day with her. Although I can't say that I didn't enjoy my day with Artie, it was an eye-opening experience and it was something that I would never have seen if he hadn't taken me.

The entire day had been enlightening to say the least.

Rachel and I can always go to Six Flags some other time, in the future, when I'm not in this chair.

The only problem is, I don't know when that'll be. I don't even know whether it will ever happen. I had told everybody that it was only temporary and that I had regained feeling but I have to wonder whether I'm just kidding myself. Except this realisation has only hit me after what Artie said to me at the skate park.

"Babe?" Rachel stands in front of me, holding my drink out. I smile in appreciation before thanking her and taking the glass from her. "Are you okay?"

I take a sip of my drink and place it on the coffee table. "I'm fine."

Rachel sits down of the sofa and after a momentary struggle; I lift myself out of my wheelchair and sit beside her. The first time I tried to move from my chair to the sofa, Rachel had been there to help me and although she is ready to help if necessary, she lets me try and do it myself which I appreciate. I settle beside her and Rachel smiles proudly at me causing me to blush. "Pushing myself in the chair is doing wonders for my upper body strength." I laugh slightly before Rachel leans in and hugs me. I bury my head in her neck, her scent filling my nostrils. Her arms tighten around me before she moves back.

"I wish you could have come to Six Flags with us." Rachel says. "I wanted to spend senior ditch day with my girlfriend. It got to the point that Brittany and Santana were making me jealous. I just wanted to be able to hold your hand."

I hold my hand out for her to take and she laughs before taking it. "I wish I could have come too." I answer honestly.

Truthfully I had wanted to go but then Artie said it wasn't going to be easy and I had immediately given in and accepted that fact.

I hadn't even tried.

"But my senior ditch day actually worked out quite well, Artie took me somewhere special." I lean forward to grab my drink but struggle. Rachel must see this because within seconds she has my drink in her hand. I take a sip before Rachel places it back on the table. "Thank you." She shrugs off my thanks and I can't help the embarrassment which sweeps over me at the fact that I couldn't even reach a glass. I can see Rachel watching me and she must sense my embarrassment because she grabs the edge of the coffee table and pulls it closer to the sofa, within reaching distance. I smile gratefully at her.

Little things like that make me love Rachel even more.

Rachel tilts her head to the side, giving me a lop-sided smile. "So where did you and Artie go?"

"A skate park, it was filled with people with disabilities but they weren't letting their disability stop them from enjoying themselves. People were rollerblading and skateboarding and it made me realise that being in this chair doesn't stop me from doing everything; it can even open new windows for me. Artie even persuaded me to go down one of the skate ramps."

"That's great Quinn." Rachel grabs my hand. "I wish I could have experienced that with you."

I finger the cross around my neck, almost nervously. "Next time I go, would you...maybe want to come with me?"

Rachel beams and nods her head excitedly and I have to smile at her enthusiasm. "There's no maybe about it. I'd love to." She strokes the back of my hand with her thumb. "Artie's been helping you a lot."

I nod. "He made me use the ramp at the back of school the other day. I didn't feel comfortable because it was so steep but he pushed me to do it. He cheered me on all the way." I explain. "You have no idea how happy I was when I reached the top. I didn't think I could do it."

"You can do anything." Rachel kisses me softly. "I am so proud of you. I mean life has thrown you some rubbish hands and you deal with them perfectly."

"I wouldn't say perfectly, remember the whole Skank fiasco." I joke.

Rachel nods and amends her earlier statement. "Okay, but you just seem to get on with everything. No matter what happens, you just deal with it and move on."

"I have no other option."

Rachel ducks her head and an awkward silence descends over us. Ever since we started dating, seven months ago, we've never had any awkward silences. We always seemed to be at ease with one another and the conversation always flowed. When we first started dating, I was grateful that Rachel talked as much as she does because it made me feel at ease and more comfortable. "Did you mean what you said the other day?"

My eyebrows furrow at my girlfriend, I'm pretty sure I can guess what she's referring to but I try to ease the tension slightly. "You mean when I said all the plumbing still works?" She raises her head to stare at me. "Yeah I meant that."

The corner of Rachel's mouth curls upwards slightly. "No not that! Get your mind out of the gutter Fabray." She playfully slaps my arm before her face falls once again.

I sigh heavily. "If you're talking about when I said my accident wasn't your fault, then yes, I meant it." Rachel's eyes fill with tears. I cup her cheek softly and her eyes close at the contact and I'm not sure whether she means to do it but she nuzzles into my hand. "Look at me." Her eyes open slowly and they're filled with unshed tears, sure enough, as soon as her eyes open a stray tear slides down her cheek but is quickly wiped away with the pad of my thumb. "I don't know how many times I'm going to have to tell you this before you believe me but you are not to blame. I do not blame you! I shouldn't have been using my phone so it's my fault. Not yours."

"If I hadn't texted..."

"There are no ifs, no buts." I wipe away another falling tear. "I was in an accident but I'm fine now. I'll be out of this chair before you know it." This time I duck my head as I recall what Artie had said to me in the skate park. "Please don't blame yourself."

Rachel sniffs. "I can't help it."

"I know." I reply honestly.

I know that my girlfriend has been feeling guilty about the accident since it had happened. When I woke up, hers was the first face I saw and the first thing she said was 'sorry'. When I sat in this chair for the first time, Rachel watched with guilt etched over her face. When we had our first fight as a result of the chair, she told me again it was all her fault.

* * *

_I lean forward slightly to try and reach my books in my locker, groaning angrily when they proceed to fall to the floor. Rachel is by my side immediately, picking them up and placing them back in my locker._

"_Maybe you should ask for a lower locker?" Rachel suggests, placing my books in order._

"_No." I say angrier than intended. "This has always been my locker."_

_Rachel hands me the book I need. "I know but a lower locker would be easier for you."_

_I can feel frustration and anger building up inside me. When the doctors told me that the accident had severely compressed my spine, I knew what they were going to say before they said it. I knew that a spinal injury could result in paralysis and their eyes told me that I was right. I knew that it would be the hardest thing I'd ever have to deal with but I was determined to not let it anger me, it wouldn't beat me. Now something as simple as not being able to reach my locker is angering me._

"_I don't need a lower locker. I can do this."_

"_Quinn..."_

_Rachel's sentence is cut off as I slam the door loudly. "No. This has been my locker since I started here, I'm not changing it."_

"_I'm just trying to help." Rachel says timidly. She's seen me angry before, but since we'd been in a relationship, I have never directed my anger at her. Guilt instantly sweeps through my body but my frustration is overpowering it._

"_Well don't." I grab the wheels of my chair and ready myself to wheel away from my girlfriend._

_Rachel nods before plastering a smile on her face, even though she's upset. "How about I push you to class?" Rachel grabs the handles of my chair and starts pushing before I bring the wheels to a halt. "What's wrong?"_

"_I can do it myself Rachel."_

_Rachel walks around my chair and stands in front of me. "I know you can but that doesn't mean I don't want to push you."_

_I wheel myself backwards. "I don't want you to push me. I can get to my class by myself."_

_Rachel sighs and looks downtrodden. "I don't mean to make you lose your temper." She says apologetically. "I understand that this is a lot but I am your girlfriend, I'm only trying to help, please don't push me away."_

_I'm hit with a sudden flood of guilt at Rachel's expression. "I'm not trying to push you away Rachel. I just...I don't want you to feel like you have to help me. I know you're my girlfriend but I can do things by myself. It isn't your job to help me."_

"_It's my fault you're in this chair." Rachel admits quietly and there it is. _

_The crux of the matter. She feels guilty._

_Still._

_I ignore her gaze. "It's not." _

_Rachel walks towards my locker and leans against it. "It is Quinn, you can say it's not all you want but if I hadn't texted you, you wouldn't have been using your phone and you wouldn't be in this chair." _

_We've had this conversation countless times and I'm always quick to quash her fears and reassure her that it's okay but for some reason I can't do that this time._

"_I'm not having this conversation with you...again." I wheel myself in the opposite direction from her. "I've told you it wasn't your fault, stop feeling sorry for yourself. I'm the one in this chair; you still have the use of your legs so just don't..." Tears began to fall down her cheeks at my outburst causing me to realise what I'd just said. I place my hand against my forehead, calming myself down. "I'm sorry Rachel." _

"_No." Rachel says quietly. "It's okay. I deserved that." _

"_No you didn't." I wheel myself towards her. "I shouldn't have said that, it's just...it makes me angry that you keep blaming yourself because you haven't done anything wrong. I'm angry that you blame yourself for the accident when it was my fault. I shouldn't have been texting and driving. I'm angry that you're carrying this blame when I should be carrying it for you. I'm angry that you feel guilty when you needn't. I'm alive so stop apologising and be happy." I pause momentarily. "I didn't mean to shout at you."_

_Rachel nods but remains quiet. _

"_I can't even reach the books in my locker." I admit, more to myself than her. "This wheelchair is changing so much; I don't want it to change us."_

"_It won't." Rachel answers quickly._

"_Promise?"_

_Rachel wipes her eyes and smiles. "I promise." She leans down and pecks me on the cheek. "So, can I push you to class?" She asks the question timidly and I think she's afraid of my reaction._

"_I have a better idea." I reply. "Get on and I'll give you a lift." I gesture to my lap and Rachel furrows her eyebrows. "It's okay, come here."_

_Rachel's doubts disappear and she gently sits on my lap, her arms instantly wrapping around my neck. She shuffles ever so slightly and then smirks. "It's like I have my own personal chauffeur." _

_I laugh loudly at my girlfriend's comment before kissing her gently. "Rae?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_I am sorry for shouting at you."_

_Rachel pecks my cheek. "Forget it." _

_The hallway begins to fill with people moving to their next class and I wheel us towards Rachel's class. I knew being in this wheelchair would change things but I guess you never really know just how much it's going to change things. _

* * *

Since that small argument we haven't had any more. Granted, I have snapped at her a couple of times but Rachel tells me she doesn't mind, despite my apologies, she tells me it's okay. Rachel helps me every time I need her to and I let her. I have to accept the fact that now I'm in this wheelchair, I won't be able to do certain things anymore.

I can't afford to be proud.

I am going to have to let other people help me.

"I know you're going to keep thinking that it was your fault so I will tell you every day that it wasn't if that's what you need."

Rachel blushes. "I'm sorry I'm being a pain."

"You're not." I shrug with a smile on my face. "I will do anything to make you feel better and if telling you that the accident wasn't your fault will do that; I'm happy to do it." Rachel avoids my eyes and I can tell she's embarrassed about her constant guilt so I change the topic. "Why don't you tell me more about Six Flags?"

Rachel looks at me. "I think I've talked your ear off about that, why don't you tell me more about your day with Artie?"

"There isn't much more to tell." I lie.

I should know that I can't lie to Rachel, she sees through my lies. She knows me too well that any mask I put up, she'll see through it. "What's wrong?"

"Do you think I'll walk again?"

Rachel's eyes widen at the question and temporarily she is speechless and I'm pretty sure that gives me my answer. "Where did that come from?"

"Just something Artie said to me when we were at the skate park."

"What did he say to you?" Rachel questions. "Did he upset you?"

"No." I reply quickly. "I know in Glee Club I said that I had some feeling back and that I planned to walk by Nationals but what if I don't? What if I never walk again?"

"Quinn..." Rachel pulls me into a hug, her hand stroking my hair softly. "You can't think like that, you have to believe that you will walk again."

"When I asked you a minute ago, you didn't have an answer." I point out as our hug ends. "You don't think I will do you?"

"I was just shocked at the question, it was so out of left-field but that doesn't mean I don't think you will." Rachel answers me. "I have every faith in you Quinn."

"You do?"

Rachel nods. "Yes, I have faith that you will walk again. I have faith that you will walk through the entrance of Yale to start university. I have faith that your dreams will come true. But do you know what else?" I shake my head and wait for her to continue. "I believe that your dreams will come true regardless of whether or not you're in this wheelchair. I mean sure, it'll make things harder but you're Quinn Fabray. You can overcome anything."

"You have more faith in me than I do."

"You're a lot better than you know." Rachel smiles at me and we both remember the first time she told me that.

The first time I told her about my plan for Yale.

I love that Rachel believes in me that much but being in this wheelchair permanently isn't the thing that scares me the most.

Rachel brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear. "What else aren't you telling me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I know you Quinn and I know that you have something else on your mind." Rachel suddenly sneezes disrupting the tense atmosphere and in spite of myself, I laugh. Rachel apologises before speaking again. "You know you can tell me anything."

"I'm scared."

"I can only imagine how scary this must be for you but..."

I shake my head. "I'm not talking about being paralysed forever, I mean yeah that scares the hell out of me but I'm scared about what happens if this paralysis is permanent."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm scared you're going to leave me." My voice quietens down as I say the end of my sentence and from the way Rachel is looking at me, I can tell I spoke too quietly for her to hear. "I'm scared you're going to leave me." This time my voice is louder.

Rachel's mouth opens with shock before closing seconds later. Her eyebrows furrow and she cocks her head to the side in confusion. "Why would you think I'm going to leave you?" She finally asks after several minutes of uncomfortable silence. "Have I done something to make you think that?"

"No Rachel, you've been brilliant." I answer her quickly. "I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend, you've been such a great help these last two months."

"Then why do you think I would leave you in the future?"

"You have to be realistic Rachel, you're going to go to NYADA and achieve your dreams, you're going to be on Broadway, and you won't have time to look after a paralysed girlfriend. I'd just bring you down." I state sadly. "I mean sure you don't mind now but if this is permanent," I hit the wheelchair angrily, "eventually you'll get frustrated and you won't want to be saddled with me as your girlfriend."

"Don't you dare tell me what I'll want in the future!" She says angrily.

"I think this is temporary, you think the same but we have to accept that there is a possibility that it might not be." I say sadly, lifting myself off the sofa and back into my wheelchair. "You have to look at the reality of the situation Rachel; I may never be able to walk down the street with you again. When I come and see you on opening night in your first Broadway play, I might not be able to give you the standing ovation you deserve. If we got married, I might not be able to dance at our wedding."

I grab Rachel's thigh softly and rub patterns through the denim of her jeans. Her breath hitches at the sudden contact. "You can feel that." Rachel remains quiet. "I used to love it when you trailed your finger up and down my thigh, it gave me goose-bumps and now I can't feel that anymore." I remove my hand from her thigh and slap it on mine. "See! Nothing."

Rachel flinches at the volume of my voice.

"I can't feel anything Rachel; you won't want to deal with this for the rest of your life."

It's only when Rachel leans forward and wipes away my tears that I realise I've been crying. Unfortunately, her gesture only makes me cry more. Rachel leaves the sofa and sits on my lap. Ever since the first time I offered her a ride to class, she often sits in my lap now. She claims that when she is on my lap, she feels closer to me. Rachel whispers in my ear over and over that 'it's okay' but I can't cease crying. I love Rachel, with all my heart and the thought that one day she might leave because of the accident is killing me.

We sit like that for a while, my head buried in Rachel's neck as I cry, her hand stroking my hair soothingly. It takes a while but eventually my tears subside. Rachel takes the silence as a sign I'm okay and shuffles off my lap back to the sofa so she can look directly at me. She takes my hands in hers and entwines our fingers.

"How long have you been thinking about this?"

I sniff quietly and wipe my bloodshot eyes. "Since I found out I would be in this chair."

Rachel gasps. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? This must have been eating you up."

"I guess I was scared of the answer."

"You have nothing to be scared of; I am not going anywhere Quinn. I love you."

"But what about everything I've just said?"

Rachel blows a piece of hair away from her eyes. "Everything you said was preceded by a maybe. They weren't definite." She says. "Quinn, I don't care if you're in this wheelchair permanently."

"You must!" I reply boldly.

Rachel simply shakes her head. "It doesn't matter if you can't walk down the street with me because you'll still be by my side. It doesn't matter if you can't give me a standing ovation because you'll be there watching me and that's all I can ask for. Besides, I know your applause will be the loudest in the theatre and since I'll only be looking at you, your applause is all I'll need. It doesn't matter if you can't dance at our wedding because as long as I can call you my wife, I won't care."

"You have dreams Rachel..."

"Yes and you are one of them Quinn." Rachel cups my cheek. "I want to go to NYADA and I want to be on Broadway but I don't want to do any of those things unless you're by my side."

"This chair makes me a different person though. I mean I lost my temper with you the other day and I've snapped at you since then and you've only been trying to help."

"Since the accident, have your feelings towards me changed?"

I stare at her confused. "No."

"Are you still going to sing in Glee Club?"

"Yes."

"Are you still going to surprise me with random romantic gestures?"

"If I can." I have no idea what she is doing.

"Whenever I have doubts and don't believe that I achieve my dreams, are you still going to tell me I'm being silly and I'm the best person you know?"

"Yes."

"Are you still going to look at me like I'm the only person in the world that matters to you?"

"You don't even need to ask that." I reply. "I will always look at you like that."

"Do you still love me?"

My eyes widen at that question. "Forever."

Rachel smiles at me. "Then you're still the same person I fell in love with." She pauses and shakes her head slightly. "You're still the same person I am in love with. You haven't changed Quinn."

"I lost my temper with you."

Rachel shrugs at my latest outburst. "It's to be expected, this is a massive change and you're going to find things hard. I'm around you the most so of course you'll snap every now and again. I'm sure when we live together, I'll snap at you for not keeping our flat the way I like it." Rachel laughs to herself.

"When we live together?"

Rachel's gaze meets mine as she realises what she's just said. A pink tint fills her cheeks. "Yeah, obviously in the future, when you're finished at Yale and I'm finished at NYADA." She pecks my cheek. "My plans for the future haven't change since your accident. Whether or not this is permanent doesn't change my feelings for you Quinn Fabray and it certainly doesn't change what I want."

I don't know whether it's the words she uses, the way she is looking at me or the sincerity of her words but for the first time since I voiced my worry, I believe her. "I don't deserve you."

"That's funny because ever since we started dating, I've been thinking I don't deserve you."

I wheel myself closer to Rachel. "I love you."

Rachel's lips meet mine softly. "I love you too." She rests her forehead against mine. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, now I am."

"Good." She grins. "I'm here Quinn. Whenever you have worries or doubts, don't hesitate in talking to me."

I nod as silence descends over us once again. "Do you want to go to my room?" I ask nervously. "I mean all the plumbing does still work. There's no maybe about that."

Rachel laughs out loud and rests her forehead against mine as her laughter subsides. "You are unbelievable."

"So are you." I retort. "I'm only joking; we can just watch a movie or something." We hadn't really talked about sex since the accident. Before the crash, we had quite an active sex life; however, I think now we both feel awkward about bringing the topic up seriously so instead of talking about it, it hangs in the room like a bad smell.

One that you can't get rid of.

No, the topic of sex would have to be a conversation for another day.

Rachel nods in agreement. "Can I pick?"

I hesitate before answering and the word no is on the tip of my tongue because I know that she will pick Funny Girl and unlike Rachel, I do not love it. After seeing it practically on a weekly basis, I have grown tired of it but then Rachel pulls out the puppy dog eyes and pout and I'm a goner. "Don't you always?"

Rachel beams and her lips meet mine once again before she brushes her nose against mine softly. "Quinn?" I hum in response. "If the what if situations become reality, it'll be okay." She moves into my lap once more. "You do know that right?"

"Yeah." I wheel us towards my father's old study which my mother had converted into a bedroom for me. She had transferred most of the items from my old bedroom into this one. To make it feel more homely. "I do now."

Rachel smiles before she asks me to stop. I do as she asks and look at her curiously before she trails up and down my left arm with her finger.

Soon enough goose-bumps form.

Her smile grows wider.

"Would you look at that."

* * *

**Thanks to tked for pointing out a massive mistake, I've since corrected it :)  
**


End file.
